What To Do When Etiquette and Financial Responsibility Conflict

If you’re new here, allow me to fill you in on one thing: I’m very traditional when it comes to manners and nothing irks me more than a cheapskate. There are certain protocols that are starting to diminish in the millennial generation and are all-but dead with Gen Z. If you’re cognizant about manners like I am, sometimes you might feel like you’re being rude by not overspending. Fear not, dear reader. I have laid out some common scenarios that will teach you how to maintain your goal to not overspend without offending anyone.

Eating out.

Correct etiquette dictates that parties of 4 or more are to evenly split the bill when at restaurants. It truly boggles my mind how few people know this, but it is still very much the case. Anyone who’s waited tables knows that itemized, separate bills are a time-consuming hassle that cost the server precious money-making minutes. Not only that, but it’s awkward for fellow restaurant guests when things like appetizers and pitchers of sangria are split.

Here’s what you do: Communicate up front. When the idea to go out comes up, tell your friends that, while you’re looking for a fun night out, you can’t have an expensive, lavish time. If they act annoyed, maybe reconsider going or adjust or spending in other areas to accommodate. If they’re cool with it (which they should be), ask the server to separate out your bill as soon as you sit down. You can even say that you’ll need to leave early (even if you don’t) and s/he’ll be happy to accommodate. The issue with asking for separate bills at the end of the meal is that the piecing together each restaurant guest gets tricky. Communicate up front. Please.

Charitable Solicitations

Repeat after me: “I cannot donate to every charity that knocks on my door.” Got it? Good! If you went to a small, Christian college like I did, odds are a lot of your fellow alumni work for non-profits or are missionaries. Nothing makes me roll my eyes had than getting some “Hey girl!” email from someone I haven’t talk to since graduation. DELETE! I’m not saying that donating to charity is bad; quite the opposite, in fact. What I’m saying is that you should be as generous as you can to the charities you truly believe in. I donate to my high school, an urban missionary I’ve never met (because his Instagram was cool and I wanted to do something for race relations), and my parish. That’s it! I don’t want to disclose how much I donate to each of these, but it’s enough to where I feel like I can’t take on more charitable donations.

In the case of charitable solicitations, there are a few things I want to say. First of all, if someone that you don’t have an ongoing relationship with is reaching out to you for the sole purpose of asking for money, they’re the ones being rude. I’m not saying that you should be rude back, but a simple, “Sorry, I’m all booked up for charity this year/decade/lifetime” is sufficient. If, however, you do have an ongoing relationship with them and you can’t help them financially, make sure you express your sincere support for whatever they’re doing. Offer to pray for them, donate in-kind or maybe even donate time to them. A lot of non-profits need letter writers and if you really want to help them but can’t financially, maybe donating your time to do some kind of administrative work is a good option!

A Friend’s Budding Business

The age of Internet-neurs is alive and well and not everyone can support everyone financially. If a friend asks you to buy her new hand-poured candle and you just can’t, offer to share a post about it on Facebook instead. Sharing blog posts, writing positive reviews and referring friends is often even more valuable than an isolated purchase so become your friend’s biggest social media cheerleader!

Your (Very Generous) BFFL’s Birthday Is Coming Up And You’re Broke AF

First of all, don’t ever say broke. You’re not broke, you’re improving your money situation every day.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, proper etiquette dictates that when someone gets you a gift (implied when I said “very generous”), you should get them one on par with what they gave you. It’s an etiquette “tit for tat,” if you will. While this may be proper, no good friend will expect that you rack up a credit card balance just to show her you love her. If she got you something nice, maybe do something really thoughtful for her. Make a scrapbook of memories from the past year. Scour ThreadUp, TJ Maxx or Marshalls for something like was once expensive but isn’t anymore. DIY something. Get creative on the $5, $10, $20 you can spare. It’s important, though, to acknowledge the fact that you’re not able to be as generous as she was and I promise she’ll understand.

One thing that adulthood has taught me is that real friends want what’s best for you, even if it means having to sacrifice. Might they be a bit irked when you can’t split a bottle of fancy wine with them? Maybe, but ultimately they’ll want what will make you happiest in the long run!