I did an Instagram poll to see if you all would be interested in this topic and the answer was a resounding yes. It’s blog posts like this that give me major imposter syndrome.. I’m not an expert but in this case, I have found what works… And I just so happened to ask my significant other to chime in here and there.
When I first asked Jim what his first thoughts were on discussing finances with a significant other that you’re not married to, his answer was, “you don’t.”
After reminding him, however, that we have had several great conversations about finances, he humored me.
I intentionally did not title this post “how to talk to your partner…” because I wanted to write it to women who are dating men. Not that I don’t love people who aren’t in that specific situation; this just isn’t advice specifically for them. Men and women are DIFFERENT and anyone who says otherwise is a hooey in my book. Are there exceptions to the rule? Of course, but by and large there are character traits that are specific “SIS Couples” or whatever the hell the buzz phrase is now.
Anyway, enjoy.
Tread Lightly
When a woman brings up the topic of finances to the man she loves, it is important that it come from a place that is not accusatory. Human psychology tells us that anyone, especially men, will completely shut down when they feel like they’re being attacked.
Your guy, especially if you’re dating in your 30s, has been managing his money without you for a long time now. While you may or may not agree with his practices, know that what he’s been doing has been working well in his world for a long time. While you can certainly work to influence him in a different direction as you progress through your relationship, make sure that he knows that you want whats best for him and for you as a couple. All conversations need to start with that in mind.
Decide how date nights will be divvied up.
Ladies, this isn’t 1922. Having a frank conversation pretty early on about who will pay for dates nights is SO important. In this day and age, many times it’s the woman who makes a higher salary so it’s simply asinine to expect your guy to pick up the tab every time you go out. For the first 2-3 dates, sure, have the guy pay. I don’t believe chivalry is dead and I think the dude should pony up early on. However, you should at least offer to pay on the rotation every so often.
How much you “should” reveal depends how far in to the relationship you are.
Asking someone how much they have in their 401k is not first date conversation material and not knowing how much debt someone has when you’re engaged isn’t OK either. I put should in quotation marks because there is no “one size fits all” formula to any relationship. Some people believe you just have to lay it all out there early on and it seems to work for them.. Relationships aren’t just about money. They’re about getting to know someone to see if they could potentially be someone you can spend your life with. While money is certainly a huge aspect of life, it’s not the only thing. Keep the conversation going and continue to reveal more as you progress.
Be honest and realistic.
Don’t pretend that you can afford things you can’t. If it’s your turn to pick the restaurant and you’re on a tight budget, it’s OK to suggest some place like Chipotle (hey, it’s delicious) or dinner at home. Planning a trip away but are tight on cash? It’s OK to ask if you can do a day shorter to save money.
While it does make sense to not reveal all your finances at once, it is imperative to be open and honest when things are getting too pricey and keep that conversation going.
Create financial goals based on a shared goal.
One thing that we love as a couple is to travel. When it’s not a pandemic, we sneak away for mini vacations a few times a year and have one bigger trip, usually in the late summer. Travel is definitely our goal.
As a couple, decide what you want to work toward together financially and use every other money decision as a lens toward that. Say you want to save for a down payment on a house or an extravagant trip to Europe. Any time one of you suggests going to that swanky new steakhouse, or buying a new handbag remind one another that, while you can still spend money, it will take you a step away from your shared goal.
Not only will the goal help you work together as a couple, it will feel amazing when you finally reach it.
Remember that finances are not the most important thing in the world.
I think a lot of us type-a millennial women tend to lose focus on what’s really important when it comes to finances. What matters in a dating relationship is that you’re getting to know each other and falling in love. THAT is the most important thing. Money issues may be deal breakers here and there, but ultimately what matters most is who you are as a couple and that you continue to strengthen your relationship. With that being your focus, you can overcome financial blips that are destined to arise no matter who you are.
Did you have a conversation with your dude that was especially helpful in navigating your financial journey together? I’d love to know in the comments below. Have a great weekend, everyone!
